a l i v e & a w a k e

I once owned a Geo Metro. It was given to me by my parents when I was in university. I have so many good memories of that car. There was the time when my brother and I got it stuck in mud up to the doors, only to be freed after 3 hours of digging, prying and basically lifting it out (if you know my brother, you can probably picture the lifting). There were the many times when the hatchback feature was in use at volleyball courts, around campfires and at the beach. There are all the memories of that time of my life; the people, the places and the significant events. In fact I can still remember the smell of the car.

I met my wife when I was driving the car (it was in this car she learned to drive standard). And it was with my wife when my car drove its final journey. We were returning from Bancroft (visiting my parents) and were almost at Janie's parents' house, travelling on a highway with a speed limit of 80 km/h. We were heading into an intersection, loving life, when a brand new Ford van decided to pull out in front of us. Although I stood on the brakes, when you're doing 80 and are about 20 feet away, it really does very little. Our little baby of a car ever so gracefully skid into the intersection and plowed effortlessly into the side of the vehicle. I think we moved him a good 3 inches, as our blue recycling-box-on-wheels crumpled like a pop can. Miraculously my fiance and I were unhurt (she had a bit of a sore neck, but nothing permanent). However, our car didn't fare so well.

It was a sad moment. My driving life in that car as I knew it was over. Whatever dreams GM had for my car, they were now crushed. The purpose and original intention for the Geo Metro were now lost.

In a lot of ways that was my life story. As a human being I was created with purpose and meaning. But I was born with a bad heart. What I mean is that no one had to teach me how to choose bad over good. I had natural ability to be selfish; to always want my way. Morally and spiritually I was a car wreck. In my condition, I was destined for a life of causing problems because I was the problem. Some people in religious circles use the word "sin" to describe this condition. Literally it means "missing the mark", as in archery when the arrow you shoot misses the target. I constantly missed the standard of what it means to live a full life. I completely fell short of ever being a morally upright person. How did I know? I was a mean, bitter, envious, greedy, lying, cheating, and manipulative person. I actually would plan ways of making sure I was the centre of the universe, even at the expense of others (and mostly my family).

Of course I did my best to cover it all up. I went to Sunday school you know and even read the Bible. I put on my best behaviour to impress others. I made sure people could see all the "good things" I did on the outside, so no one would ever know that I could be a hideous little monster on the inside. That's how it is with so many people. They play a glossy, shiny part on the exterior to hide the real corruption. But that kind of acting will never change the human heart.

It would be as effective as me crawling out of my smashed Geo and using a hammer, begin to bang out the dents, in hopes of restoring the car to it's original intention. Imagine me trying to patch up the broken pieces using tape or glue, splashing all the spilled liquids back into the engine, and giving it a good paint job. I may be able to make it look almost like a car again, but we all know it would never drive again. You can further imagine the stupidity of my attempts if I insisted that I could still use the car by pushing it around town. People would think that I had absolutely gone off my rocker.

As ridiculous as it sounds, that is what I was trying to do with my life. Rather than embracing the reality of my situation and dealing with it, I spent the better part of 20 years wearing a religious "goodie-goodie" mask, while on the inside, I was dying.

You know, deep down I knew I was meant for more. Something inside me kept reminding me that there was a profound purpose to my life. I wanted to be make a positive difference in the lives of others. I wanted to be known as someone who was good. I wanted be a solution in the world, rather than the problem.

It was when I began to face up to the fact that my life was like a car wreck that I received the hope of a different life. It had to do with something I call "The Great Exchange".