a l i v e & a w a k e

 

A young, foolish farmer went out to buy an apple orchard so he could start a business of making delicious apple pies. He found a man who was interested in selling his apple orchard and arranged to meet with him the very next day.

After negotiating a fair price, the farmer gave the man the agreed amount of money and moved to his new property the following week. However, the foolish farmer didn’t even look at the trees, and so, was unaware of the disastrous problems that lay ahead.

Because it was early spring, the farmer busily prepared the orchard to produce the most apples. As spring became summer the farmer patiently watched the trees for the first sight of fruit.

Then one day, as the farmer was walking between the trees, he noticed something big and juicy hanging from one of the lower branches. Excitedly, he ran over to take a closer look.

However, he was disappointed to find a big, juicy pear!

Hmmm… he thought to himself, how did that pear end up in my apple orchard?

Disgusted, he picked the pear off the tree and flung it over the fence.

The next day as he was walking through his trees, he spotted another piece of fruit. Eagerly he ran over to examine what he thought was an apple… but was again disappointed to find another perfectly ripe pear. He threw it over the fence as well.

When this happened the third day, the farmer said to himself, How am I supposed to start an apple pie business if all I’m getting is pears?

This question bothered the foolish farmer so much that he decided to invite his equally ignorant brother to come over to help.

The two of them went out to inspect the fruit. By this time there were at least a dozen of beautiful pears hanging from a number of apple trees.

The ignorant brother thought and thought and thought… and finally said, “I have an idea”. He jumped in his car and drove to town.

When he came back he pulled two large cans of red paint from the back of his truck and two paintbrushes.

“We’ll paint them apples!” he exclaimed, lifting a brush high into the air.

That afternoon the brothers spent the better part of an hour painting pears red. When the pears-now-apples had finished drying, the two brothers decided to celebrate their victory over a delicious, fresh-baked apple pie.

It wasn’t long before a warm pie was slid on to the table. Grabbing two forks, the men began eating.

“Yuck!” they cried as they spit red stained mouthfuls on to the floor.

“They taste like pears and paint!” They decided that painting was a foolish idea indeed. The next day, the farmer called his half-witted cousin to come over to help him solve his pear problems.

The two brothers showed the cousin the apple trees with the big juicy pears hanging from them. The cousin thought and thought and thought… and finally said, “I have an idea!”

He jumped in his car and drove to town.

When he came back he pulled out of the backseat a baseball bat, a golf club and a hockey stick.

“We’ll whack them! That will teach them a lesson.” he exclaimed, lifting a bat high into the air.

The brothers and the cousin spent the better part of the afternoon whacking pears off the apple trees sending them over the fence and splattering them on the ground.

“That’ll teach them,” they said as they went into the house to celebrate their victory with a batch of cold cookies and warm milk.

Early the next morning the three of them went outside to see if the trees had indeed learned their lesson. But to their utter surprise, the found that every apple tree had pears hanging from them.

“What are we going to do now?” asked the ignorant brother. “You will never get a good apple pie business running when all you produce is pears!” The foolish farmer knew he was right.

So he finally decided to call his clueless grandfather to come help them solve their pear problem.

The two brothers and the half-witted cousin showed the grandfather the apple trees with the big, juicy pears hanging from them. The grandfather knew exactly what to do. He went to his motorbike and pulled out a chainsaw, a machete, a Swiss army knife and his pet beaver from the back of the bike.

“We’ll cut them trees!” he exclaimed, lifting a running chain saw into the air.

The brothers, the cousin and the grandfather spent the better part of the afternoon cutting off any branch that had a pear on the end of it. When they were done there were no branches left on any of the trees. The four of them and the beaver decided to celebrate their victory over chicken soup, fresh bread and the ripe apples that the grandmother had sent with the grandfather (the beaver ate one of the kitchen chairs). When they finished, they threw the apple cores out the window and went to bed.

The next day, when the foolish farmer, his ignorant brother, the half-witted cousin and the clueless grandfather went outside, they were horrified to see that every tree had died in the night. The apple orchard was gone!

Crushed by this sad turn of events, the farmer announced that he would not start an apple pie business, but would instead go live with his ignorant brother in the city and work with him in the factory that attached the chains to bathtub stoppers. The rest thought this was a very wise idea indeed.

As the vehicles left the orchard, they almost ran over the four young trees that had begun to grow under the kitchen window.

Jon