a l i v e & a w a k e

In the last month or so, I have been hitting on the principles of leadership and healthy environments of community. In this process, I have caught myself being hollowed out in my emotional and spiritual life. It is not to say that the principles are bad or useless, but it is to say I have experienced a slow death of some sort. I haven’t been sure what to do about it. It has left me with feelings of being quite vulnerable. See if you can relate.

I have found myself passionately engaged with community and assignments and seeing God work in great ways, but when I am by myself, having ‘downtime’ I am:

-looking to shut off my head completely -looking to live in other people’s stories through TV and movies.

-looking too much at things on TV that are not healthy for me (there is just so much content to view nowadays like nudity –or pretty much nudity. I flick through stations and catch a glimpse—stay too long --- move on but find myself tempted to go back for another look.)

-looking to numb myself because there is a overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame and disappointment when I don’t.

-looking to keep myself so busy. In that busyness, I intensify all the above feelings and struggles because I postpone the reality and connectedness with myself.

-looking to keep the struggles private (you need to know I have a hard time even letting my wife into my thoughts)

-looking to take tasks and roles for others as to receive the praises of others. In a word –significance.

Here’s the irony, the latest talks with people have been about self care, journaling (which I do), and contemplation. My practice of these things are present (not enough) but I still lack. The last few days have been enlightening in many ways to a journey that I will need to be involved with much more. Let me jump around into another aspect.

I find myself being isolated. Who do I go to and say real things to without worrying about what people will think about me? Will they lose respect for their pastor to hear my struggles with lust, pride, shame, confusion and not dealt with pains? I have fully loved that my new job is using my gifts in a more full way this last year. There has been a cost (I believe a self inflicted one), my humanness. I am realizing that the more I have been in this role I have pursued the role of being together, spiritual, and wise. It has pushed away my growth in authenticity towards others (need to grow a lot in), with myself and with my wife and daughter. This seems to be more magnified in my role as a pastor. Jumping back…

So where do I land on this? To be honest, I’m not sure (love to hear others journeys on this) but I do find the practice of confession and forgiveness (others and myself) are some steps into the right direction. I have been reading probably one of my favorite books lately “In the Name of Jesus” that has brought me back on the need to be aware of this concept.This brings me back to the important topic of community. I have noticed these practices can only be practiced with community---confessing to one another (Jams 5:16), and forgiveness (Eph 4:32). So how do I practice this in my job?  

I do have a couple of close friends and spiritual companions to share deeper with, but there seems to me, my biggest disconnect is that I don’t practice this with every one. They are not always available either (not to guilt anyone). I need to be continually and authentically relating to all with out a façade. Now I may receive a lot of weird looks and people may judge the Meeting House based on me and my insecurities and short comings, but I do need to commune with people.

Here’s another aspect that can come of this practice—people will see God, not Joe (and his show) but God. I have talked on pride before which I define pride as: self focus, whether it is you think you are the greatest disproportionately or you think you are not that great disproportionately. Both are too much self focus. I tend to think about myself too much on the negative side. Pride is a base problem for me.  Confession allows my self to be expressed and moved out of the way so that the God factor can be seen. His character is more clearly shown when I remove the Joe who wishes to look significant in every situation. This reminds me of Gideon.

The poorest strategy for war was practiced by Gideon –300 takes on 100 000 by blowing horns and waving torches. They won the fight but the story was more about God’s amazing intervention and the Israelites having faith in Him than Gideon’s leadership skills. It was obvious of who was the force behind the win, the God factor.

It takes humility to consistently reveal the short comings of my humanness but it is necessary for God to be shown and celebrated, and for me to really connect with people. If I’m not humble than I will be humiliated in the end (having humiliation feelings as I write this—in a good growing way). This is my journey in seeking, seeing and celebrating God in this day. Any comments? -joe Mar /07