a l i v e & a w a k e

The more and more I am in a role of responsibility and overseeing the development of community, the more and more I believe we need to have a greater allowance of failure. This is not just a message for me because I may screw up and make the wrong choice, but because I need to allow others the same with patience.

Usually failure is a term we use to describe an attempt or effort to try something and there is not the desired end result (I believe there is another type of failure that is describing someone who doesn’t even try—but I’m not including this definition).  As humans, we see the end goal, completion of a task, or a perfect execution as the most important thing. The problem is we are human. It is rare to see an atmosphere of change, and pioneering paired with no failure.  Failure is an indication of effort and new things. If we don’t see failure, chances are we aren’t growing.

When I was young my uncle George would take me skiing in the states (Stowe Vermont ). There would be a bunch of families that went together and we took over a hotel and skied the week away. It was beautiful scenery and lots of fun to be with my friends. I also do remember ‘failing’ at skiing a lot. I would sit at night with bruises and stiffness and think to myself “I suck at skiing”. Someone told me on the hill in the middle of the week that old familiar saying “No pain, No gain”. Which they explained as “if you aren't trying new things, you won’t fall, but if you ‘play it safe’ than will not have pain or be humiliated---but you won’t learn anything either”.  They also said this right after they laughed at me for having a ‘wipe out’.  What I remembered though was it was ok to fail.

This isn’t a consolation prize for those who mess up a lot, it is a comfort (in my case a great comfort) for those who are attempting to do new things and view life as a chance to grow. There are many reasons why we look down on people who fail; judgment, prejudice, jealousy/envy, insecurity, consumer mentality, etc. These reasons are mostly against pioneering and change for the better. So my question is; How do we set up atmospheres that allow and embrace this type of failure?

 If failure, is a result of someone taking a risk, than we can immediately celebrate and affirm the innovation and desire to grow and improve. If people are built like me, they know when they fail and find themselves feeling not too pleased with the result. I usually find my greatest temptation to wallow in my screw up for a time. If someone comes along to emphasize this, it has potential to paralyze me from trying again. 

If we celebrate the effort, we can move people on to another attempt or onto the successful result. If failure happens we can also be the first to offer to help. We may not be able to do it for someone (in fact we may harm more by taking over) but we can partner with.  In partnership we position our self as cultivators of the person and the idea.

Over time if we continue to celebrate pioneers and find ways to partner, we will benefit from the initiatives that others will lead us in and we set an atmosphere that will be equally supportive of us if we fail. Biblically we see this practice in verses like ‘forgive one another’ –Eph 4:32, bear one another’s burdens-Gal 6:2.

These relational practices of forgiveness and partnering will at first feel awkward.  It takes courage to partner with those who are experiencing failure. It is in essence partnering with people who look like ‘aliens’ to others. It’s partnering with those who ‘fall off the wagon’ or are bankrupt, or who are on ‘leave’, or in jail, or the biggest headliners in the news.  There is a unique opportunity in the midst of failure. It is to partner with brokenness, new things, deeper relationships, growth.  Our society seems to highlight the failures of others in such a way that communicates “Don’t you be like this person who failed!” and “Let’s all join together to point and judge those who are screw ups”. 

I’m convinced the generation that will make significant changes and join God in what He is doing and may look by human standards as ‘failures’ but they will be like people who we admire ---Nelson Mandella,  Bono, The apostles Peter and Paul, etc. and those types of people like inventors, developers---cultivators. All have failed and will continue to fail. It is a cheap gift to see what is wrong, but the highly trained skill of pioneering (apostolic) takes patience, a focus on what will be, and they are more concerned with relationships than achievements.

-joe

I have been doing a lot of reading, discussing and debate over the question in the title. Along with ‘who’, I have been thinking about the ‘What’  ‘How’, and ‘When’ questions. My conclusion is this (and has been developing this way for quite some time);

Every single person on this earth is a leader!

How do I define a leader (the number one question asked after I make this statement)?

I define a leader as someone who is willing.  (Maybe I will come back and rewrite this but for now I am convinced this is the number one attribute—especially as a Christ follower).

Every one is made in God’s image, possessing some form of His character or attribute. If this is true, than all are uniquely designed to influence others in the way they have been created. If we steward this attribute, all of us are leaders in that way. All have something to lead others in. There are skills that help develop the best way to influence others, but that is secondary in my mind. I find myself lately (in my job at The Meeting House), running into a lot of smart individuals who have been trained as leaders and are training leaders telling me that my take on everyone is a leader is quite ‘utopia focused’ and not relevant. Slowly but surely, I am starting to voice this more and more and finding that people who are leaders do not want to hear it.

Most people define leadership as a gifted, charismatic individual, born with leadership and rare to find.  I have read a book lately by Kouzes and Posner (authors of A Leader’s Legacy, and Leadership Challenge and been at this leadership stuff  for decades) which they say, “It’s pure myth that only a luck y few can ever understand the mystery of leadership.” They go on to say that like management, leadership can be trained.

David Rock in his book “Quiet Leadership” does most of his study and development from a neurological side and says in essence all brains are built to use the skills and focus of achieving great things and influencing others. It is anatomical! So, now knowing this new (or for some, not so new) information, how do we steward this in our daily life?  This effects: -How we build relationships with others -How we become a cultivator of the leadership role in people -and How we take risks in people who may at first do the job with 60% efficiency to us and let them grow into their 100%

Knowing this, it somehow compels me to seek for the working of God in the individuals I encounter and not just see them as ones who can help achieve something or make my cause better. I now take on a role to see the work of God being elevated and cultivate to the fullest through however I can offer.

I also see myself submitting to people who carry their attribute in a way that I do not and let them lead me and others around them. If they are not leading, than I encourage them to lead others, and wrestle through what that looks like for them in their sphere of influence.  I also see ways of highlighting their abilities to others with roles, opportunities and leadership positions. If they are willing, they will lead. They will lead the way they were led.

I tend to get away from the language of leading because something is lost in this word and replace it with the word--cultivators.  Everyone may now feel they can participate in that term and not feel it is left for the chosen few.

I won’t take much longer on this, but keep this in mind as you read through all my leadership thoughts ---everyone is a leader.

Concluding story

 I had the opportunity to work with a guy named Terry. (for full story see 'abuse, anger and agape' in stories from Joe's view) He would not have been looked up to by many people. He maybe wasn’t the most well spoken man, and he had a rough reputation from fights, drunkenness and other illegal activities. He had a hard time in school and it seems that he may have suffered from alcohol fetal syndrome.

On top of that he had a poor upbringing that brought out many paralyzing insecurities in public.

Is Terry a leader? You bet!

I saw it come out a few times as he taught others about prayer and reading the bible. It was a bible study I lead for youth at-risk and Terry was always quiet, yet really took time to read and learn. His new found faith (about 1 month at the time) had such childlikeness, that on more than one occasion, he dragged us into God’s love and presence with his prayers. He had a gift of prayer that I walked away from being lead in. I also saw him begin to contribute and answer difficult questions about the bible from his studies to other new members. Terry may never hold an earthly position that typical ‘leaders’ hold, but through his willingness and the stewardship of who God has made him to be, he will lead many! He’s lead me to where I am.

-joe

In the last month or so, I have been hitting on the principles of leadership and healthy environments of community. In this process, I have caught myself being hollowed out in my emotional and spiritual life. It is not to say that the principles are bad or useless, but it is to say I have experienced a slow death of some sort. I haven’t been sure what to do about it. It has left me with feelings of being quite vulnerable. See if you can relate.

I have found myself passionately engaged with community and assignments and seeing God work in great ways, but when I am by myself, having ‘downtime’ I am:

-looking to shut off my head completely -looking to live in other people’s stories through TV and movies.

-looking too much at things on TV that are not healthy for me (there is just so much content to view nowadays like nudity –or pretty much nudity. I flick through stations and catch a glimpse—stay too long --- move on but find myself tempted to go back for another look.)

-looking to numb myself because there is a overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame and disappointment when I don’t.

-looking to keep myself so busy. In that busyness, I intensify all the above feelings and struggles because I postpone the reality and connectedness with myself.

-looking to keep the struggles private (you need to know I have a hard time even letting my wife into my thoughts)

-looking to take tasks and roles for others as to receive the praises of others. In a word –significance.

Here’s the irony, the latest talks with people have been about self care, journaling (which I do), and contemplation. My practice of these things are present (not enough) but I still lack. The last few days have been enlightening in many ways to a journey that I will need to be involved with much more. Let me jump around into another aspect.

I find myself being isolated. Who do I go to and say real things to without worrying about what people will think about me? Will they lose respect for their pastor to hear my struggles with lust, pride, shame, confusion and not dealt with pains? I have fully loved that my new job is using my gifts in a more full way this last year. There has been a cost (I believe a self inflicted one), my humanness. I am realizing that the more I have been in this role I have pursued the role of being together, spiritual, and wise. It has pushed away my growth in authenticity towards others (need to grow a lot in), with myself and with my wife and daughter. This seems to be more magnified in my role as a pastor. Jumping back…

So where do I land on this? To be honest, I’m not sure (love to hear others journeys on this) but I do find the practice of confession and forgiveness (others and myself) are some steps into the right direction. I have been reading probably one of my favorite books lately “In the Name of Jesus” that has brought me back on the need to be aware of this concept.This brings me back to the important topic of community. I have noticed these practices can only be practiced with community---confessing to one another (Jams 5:16), and forgiveness (Eph 4:32). So how do I practice this in my job?  

I do have a couple of close friends and spiritual companions to share deeper with, but there seems to me, my biggest disconnect is that I don’t practice this with every one. They are not always available either (not to guilt anyone). I need to be continually and authentically relating to all with out a façade. Now I may receive a lot of weird looks and people may judge the Meeting House based on me and my insecurities and short comings, but I do need to commune with people.

Here’s another aspect that can come of this practice—people will see God, not Joe (and his show) but God. I have talked on pride before which I define pride as: self focus, whether it is you think you are the greatest disproportionately or you think you are not that great disproportionately. Both are too much self focus. I tend to think about myself too much on the negative side. Pride is a base problem for me.  Confession allows my self to be expressed and moved out of the way so that the God factor can be seen. His character is more clearly shown when I remove the Joe who wishes to look significant in every situation. This reminds me of Gideon.

The poorest strategy for war was practiced by Gideon –300 takes on 100 000 by blowing horns and waving torches. They won the fight but the story was more about God’s amazing intervention and the Israelites having faith in Him than Gideon’s leadership skills. It was obvious of who was the force behind the win, the God factor.

It takes humility to consistently reveal the short comings of my humanness but it is necessary for God to be shown and celebrated, and for me to really connect with people. If I’m not humble than I will be humiliated in the end (having humiliation feelings as I write this—in a good growing way). This is my journey in seeking, seeing and celebrating God in this day. Any comments? -joe Mar /07