a l i v e & a w a k e

Since written, Dad passed away 6:20am Dec 2.

The man happens to be my father, my father of 34 yrs. He was diagnosed with a terminal cancer in his brain stem and we are not sure how long this 'terminal' has. He has been sick for quite sometime and now we know what is happening. This last few months have been watching, sitting, waiting and wondering. We’ve had time to talk, and in times like this it seems we listen a little more. Some of the thoughts coming from dad has been especially encouraging and challenging. Here are a few:
-one of the words that kept repeating during the times when he was getting worse in September was ‘unable’ (to eat as well, to walk as well, talk as well, etc). This was at first pretty hard to dad as one who enjoys doing little things for others. We would try to keep engaging dad at his strongest point, his mind with books, quotes and our struggles. In one of those conversations we talked about the church and it’s overall failings in realizing the great mission God has called us in. During that time dad said “Wow, this is really challenging” and with tears and broken voice he further added “I am ABLE to BE church right here in this hospital!” It is not the typical understanding of effective church, but I see it doesn’t mean ‘unable means do nothing’.

The picture for me was profound and somewhat prophetic. Here is a broken man who understands that it is the working of Christ in and through him that makes a difference wherever He is. I would say he was a living testimony in that bed just being funny (as much as dad can), helpful, and still thinking of us and others needs and concerns.
The prophetic part for me was almost a picture of where the church is at, broken, incapacitated to some degree, yet is slowly realizing and desiring to BE the living Christ on this earth. We have retreated so far and we have left all the missional work to a very few people in other countries and a spiritual atrophy has set in. I was challenged again to see myself as the living Christ on my street, in my city and not just what happens on a Sunday morning when I stand up in front of a crowd. I am able and
-In the last week or so I have felt so helpless and useless to the condition of my dad and to the aid of my mom. We have been looking to little things like call, pass on messages and drive her around. For dad though, it is hours of sitting with a man who can no longer interact (ability and energy).
I am a guy who really likes to feel proficient and significant especially to people around me. I really felt with dad that I could not do any of my ‘great’ theological thoughts, physical help with a task, or even sitting and making a good meal where we drink great wine and laugh. This gets quite hard once you know you show up to just BE. Deep down I am uncomfortable with that. So as I came to ‘minister to my dad’, Christ ministered to me.
It was dad who gave me a place to be just my unadorned, vulnerable (can’t hide behind abilities), and authentic self. I was accepted and loved. I watched him in his few moments smile, say hi and just kept reassuring me I was ok. He also modeled what it meant to be the same vulnerable man to the nurses, to the visitors and friends. Such dependence looks so weak and distasteful in our society of independence and efficiency. But here dad was letting people care for him, and tell him what he needs to do. He embraced that. It’s another picture of the type of reliance Jesus asks for in us.
We are to depend on Jesus that way. Only when we can let ourselves be truly authentic to God and others, do we find the harmony, serenity and the solid foundation of love.

-One analogy that dad was so hit by in his fight was a story about an experiment of two mice (John Maxwell’s relationship 101). The experiment was to put two different mice in bucket of water that would drown them. The buckets were covered with a lid. One had a pin prick hole in the lid and the other total darkness. The mouse in darkness swam for about 4 mins and then drowned. The mouse with the pin prick hole swam and looked up to the little bit of light that filtered through into the bucket and finally died after 39 hours. That hope of a little light gave so much to live for and fight. Dad was struck by this in his situation.
It was not only hope for him to see the little bit of light was told he had since being diagnosed with terminal cancer (very rare to survive, but possible). The little light analogy brings him optimism, a positive outlook and the fight is not for survival of the body as much as His living days with family and friends.


I am the dying man as well. I am dying to the concept of ‘unable means do nothing’. I am dying to preserving myself and having my identity wrapped up in my significance a little more. I am dying to the negativity that makes my drown in 4 minutes when situations come up. In this dying, it like a seed that falls on the ground and dies so that the life inside can come out. Dying has never been so hard but yet felt so good.