a l i v e & a w a k e - stories_from_joe_s_view

Addictions, Jail, Jesus

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 10:13:20 -0400

I tumbled down the stairs with Bruce in one hand and Steve in the other. That night in the drop-in began for me with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was going to happen. I had been conditioned to sense potentially bad situations. That night, I wasn’t able to concentrate on a single conversation because of this gut feeling.

It was always a stressful moment for me if I sensed something bad was going to happen, since there wasn’t any other staff or volunteers there to help me. Switch Yard was the name of the drop-in in Bancroft. It was only a few years old and really needed in town for youth. I was alone most of the time in my four years of work there. It was God alone (and the prayers of many) that something worse didn’t happen.

Well my gut feeling came to fruition. A fight broke out. It seemed as though more youth were drunk that Friday night. I never knew which youth were ‘happy’ drunks or if they would cause problems when intoxicated. Bruce and Steve seemed to be the ones who would cause trouble when drunk alone. They ran into each other at the entrance of the Switch Yard and their verbal exchanges quickly jumped into physical ones without any warning. I think it was Bruce that instigated things from what I could tell and from hearing the stories afterwards.

Bruce tended to be an instigator. Well at least when he was on something. I don’t think I ever met him in any other circumstance (occupational hazard). He had broken into the drop-in through a window and stole a box of chocolate bars (got caught for that). He had thrown stones at our lights and in general had to be watched constantly at the drop-in. What he seemed to think was a good time was a bit of a nightmare to me. I had heard about him being in different fights around town. I’m pretty sure his home life wasn’t the best and I seem to remember a kid telling me one time his dad was really abusive to him. It showed. Especially this particular night at the drop-in.

I was on the other side of the drop-in and in a ‘conversation’ when I looked up to see and hear obscenities and fists flying. I ran through the people with such momentum that by the time I got to Bruce and Steve, we all went tumbling out the door and down the short flight of stairs onto the deck of Switch Yard. We landed in the gravel near a car with a bumps and scrapes.

By the time we landed in the gravel I managed to pull back Bruce with one hand while pinning Steve to the ground in the other hand. They yelled at each other and now the entire drop-in of youth were out on the deck watching the whole thing. The fight was over, but I was still trying to keep them from throwing one last kick or punch. As I struggled to keep them away from each other I was on one knee and bent over with arms stretched out as far as I could on either side of me. It was the first time I took note of Kent who had been pretty close to the fight and now was looking down at me. There was nothing to stop him from kicking my head (now at waist level). I will never forget his face. He had a pretty angry look through some glossy eyes and there was a smell of alcohol on him.

Kent was a pretty quiet guy who had tagged along with Bruce that night. As a good friend, he wanted his friend to win the fight that night. Kent had come from a separated family where there was also misuse of drugs and alcohol. Kent’s older sister was a regular at the Switch Yard, with a fiery attitude that showed some insight into what home life was like.

Facing Kent at that point in the dirt, I was suddenly keenly interested in who he was, purely out of my own self preservation. In those situations I always felt everything was going to go wrong. When violence starts, it seems to take off more in a group situation. Luckily for me, Kent just glared at me.

I managed to keep Steve and Bruce separated and told them they were barred for a month from the drop-in. I went inside to calm my nerves and to give the appearance that I still had control. A few months after this occurrence, I moved from Bancroft to Mississauga. I thought for sure that would be the end of knowing any of those particular guys.

In 2008, I received a call from Bancroft. It was the Burkes (my second family growing up). They asked for a favour. They told me about a guy from Bancroft who was in a correctional centre in Brampton, and asked if I would visit him. The young man was dealing with addictions and was in counseling. They thought that I may have known him from the Switch Yard days as a youth. They came to know this guy through nothing short of Divine intervention.

A few years back they received a call informing them that their Jewelry store had been broken into. Nothing too valuable had been taken since they lock most of it up at night, but as you can imagine, it was still upsetting to be forced to shut down for a couple of days in order to fix broken glass and whatever else was damaged. The Police got a couple of good finger prints but couldn’t find the suspect. A few months later, the Burkes were driving home in the winter on the snowy road to their house. An oncoming car swerved and hit them. Stunned, some black eyes and scrapes but not hurt seriously they sat as a young man ran up to their car to ask if they were alright. He then ran to call the ambulance. They didn’t see him again but later found out by the Police that the very same guy who hit them was the young man who had robbed them.

Apparently when he called in and did not return to the scene, it gave the Police suspicion to who this was. They did some investigation and when they found out it was the young man they caught him and he went to jail. His name was ---Kent. Kent later found out that the people he hit were the same people he robbed----what Divine luck!

Other then petty crimes, Kent had been playing around with drugs as well. His lifestyle caught up with him numerous times as he found himself on gurneys in ambulances with his heart actually stopping. He ended up in jail and rehab a couple of times to make a change, but it didn’t seem to stick. He had been ostracized by people in town even when he tried to clean himself up. He remembered even going to a church service where he felt glaring eyes on him. In a small town like Bancroft, everyone knows your business. Kent became pretty skeptical of most people, especially “church folk” until something unusual happened.

Kent picked up a job doing contract work with a friend. Kent was great with his hands and he was definitely a great worker. His boss and him arrived on a new job site to do some flooring. They sat in the truck together in front of a beautiful house on a lake as they talked about the job. Kent looking at the house asked “Who’s house is this?” His boss looked at his sheet and said “Oh, this is the Burkes house. They own a Jewelry store in town.” Kent froze. He didn’t want to go into the house. It may have been out of shame or pride, but also didn’t want to ruin his boss’s credibility with these people. He told his boss he couldn’t do the job. His boss was upset and wanted to get the job done. He went into the house.

He came out a few minutes later with a woman (Lucille Burke).From her view:

“ the contractor that layed our kitchen floor said to me. Can I talk to you a min. I said sure He said "you know the guy that robbed your store" I said yah, he said "well he works for me and he is out in the truck and scared skinny to come in" so I went outside and he was standing at the step and I said to Kent “so you are afraid to come in?” He hung his head and said " I went to jail, I did my time and I'm sorry" I simply said to him well that’s enough for me you are quite welcome to come in and do your job.”

Kent did the job. Lucille and Dave Burke even invited him to supper at one point. Kent still was blown away by this family who seemed to instantly embrace him even knowing what he had done to them. Forgiveness… that was different. Too many times God had been shown to Kent as untouchable, a judge, and too angry to want or love Kent.

Their connection didn’t stop there. They talked on the phone, met with each other several times. Dave even took him to their hunting camp where they hung out together. During that time Kent got to see what was really going on behind the mystery of these two –Jesus. They got to explain their experience and view of the life that Jesus gives through his sacrifice and love. Kent wasn’t sure what to think about it all except he felt a deep longing inside him grow. These interactions were a key building block for Kent’s spiritual journey. It wasn’t all easy for Kent though. There were still things God needed to work out in his life.

He got himself into more trouble once again and this time it almost cost him his life. It may have been the culmination of drug and alcohol use or the drama of his life at that time, but Kent ended up in a pool of blood in the forest from a three wheeler accident- with no heart beat. He had gotten himself intoxicated, stole his dad’s truck and crashed it. He was so mad that he went to a nearby house, stole the three wheeler and drove down a dirt road without a helmet as fast as the machine would go. He lost control and he was hurled into the forest where they found his shoes flung, clothes in the trees up 20ft and Kent with a badly smashed up head. The ambulance used the paddles and rushed him off by helicopter to save his life.

He healed over time physically, but his soul needed more attention and he knew it. It’s funny how God can clearly show Himself in very broken moments. Kent was feeling some pretty significant insights to Who this God was. You have a lot of time to think in a hospital and he had even more time to think in jail. After he got out of jail, he knew this couldn’t continue anymore, so in court he asked to go to rehab again and the judge approved it and he was sent to Brampton on a six month program. He went to get himself cleaned up. This time though he had the Burkes praying for him and in contact with him as friends (even later told me that they have been like family to him).

That is when I got the call to visit Kent by the Burkes. They told me he was on a good page and possibly even searching spiritually. Lucille said “he was reading his Bible and praying and the most happy he had ever been, but I would say you know Kent that is not enough you need to except Jesus Christ personally into your life. He said but I’m skeptical I said GOOD GOD IS UP TO ANY ANSWER YOU HAVE A QUESTION TO!”

In our church community we had just been intentionally seeking the ‘welfare of the city’ (Jer. 29) with an idea called the Brampton Experiment. The idea was to ‘be’ in our community and respond to wherever Jesus was revealing Himself. So this was my challenge-to go to the jails. I agreed to go and arrive in March 08 on a Tuesday.

I didn’t remember who Kent was from my past, until he walked down the hall in the orange shirt and gray pants provided by the jail as his only clothes. As soon as I saw his face, I flashed back to the night on my knees in the dirt where the angry 16 year old glared at me for holding his friend Bruce and kicking him out of the drop-in. That face was gone and now a very kind smile was in its place. We got caught up with his life journey and I told him I had come to support him and even talk about his spiritual search. He was ready. This began many talks about God and Jesus.

During Kent’s time there, he got into AA and NA where there is a reference to a higher power. That higher power for Kent could only be the One who showed such forgiveness in the Burkes. I was amazed with God’s work in Kent and especially the deep seeking heart he had. I began meeting weekly with Kent in order to have an ongoing dialogue about Jesus and his life plans. I was really enjoying seeing Jesus’ heart and character working in and through Kent. This once quiet, angry guy was now very talkative, smiling and had great wisdom in his words and understanding. It didn’t take long to see that Jesus had already been transforming him in significant ways. After a few weeks of meeting and some discussion to who Jesus was, I asked a few questions to Kent about his desire to follow Jesus. He really felt hesitant to make a big commitment because he felt he might fail. I didn’t push it, but the next week he was totally fine with following Jesus. In fact he realized he had made the decision to follow Jesus with his heart long before he said it with his mouth. This very sensitive and tender heart was such an encouragement to me. The work of Christ was so evident in him. Leadership was also coming out.

Kent began to lead the AA meetings with 60-80 guys. He also led a bible study with a couple of others, and even began befriending a self proclaimed ‘Satanist’ who would often taunt his new commitment to Jesus. He had many good conversations with him.

I am writing this as Kent is to be released in a months’ time. He is going to go to school (finish high school and go to bible school), and figure out what it means to plug back into life as Jesus intends him to. I have been impacted by the fact that as soon as Kent began to follow Jesus he had an instant ministry. Kent understands that following Jesus means listening and responding to His voice. He has says that this is the most happiest he has ever been in his life. Sometimes I complain about all of my issues in life, but then here is Kent as an example to me - in jail, walking into uncertainty and filled with Joy.

I am reminded of the ‘madman’ who was filled with a riot of demons inside Him (Mark 5:1-20). He met Jesus and was released from that. His instant reaction was to follow Jesus, but Jesus did something profound and risky—He commissioned him immediately with a ministry to his town “Go back to your town and share what I have done for you” –paraphrase (Mark 5:19). Too many times we say, “I need to get more training or experience before I can share God’s work and Kingdom. I need to have my doctrine right and all the right biblical answers.” Kent’s immediate reaction was to serve. He doesn’t know all the answers but his deep thirst for Jesus and the testimony of Jesus transforming his life will be the living gospel people need to hear.

Commisioning from a Drunk!

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Mon, 9 Jul 2007 20:05:00 -0400

Jer was adopted. I had known him from our youth. He was a year older than me. We went to youth group together and church. He and I were troublemakers together in Sunday school. I never saw much of Jer for about 10 years until one cold April night.
He had fallen away from God and was known as a drug dealer and party animal in town.

God loves to show Himself to us in the most unlikely places. I have learned be ready to listen for God’s voice and count it as credible. "See the face of Christ" is a phrase I will never forget as Jesus chooses to reveal Himself in very 'unworthy' vessels. Something happened that night that changed the way I did ministry to Bancroft. From that night I believe that many things changed in our town. I am no longer there, but the ripple effect still continues from God’s continuing work.

I was on my walk home to my apartment from Switch Yard. I had an argument with a friend over evangelism and how it should be done and what shouldn’t happen. I believed that God was telling me to go to the bars and reach the youth that had turned 19, the parents of the youth and build community connections. The whole thing I knew from my denominational past was that “ministry can’t happen there”. It was a ‘flee from sin’ mentality. As soon as I set foot into any bar, I would take my character and the viability of Switch Yard and run it through the dirt in the eyes of the church community. That could mean a severing of finances. I had asked many people for their opinion and got words of caution. I had also just visited a church leadership group where they deflated me for the way I had helped start a church (Bridge), for the way I have used 'Satan’s tools' to do God’s work. I was told I wasn’t supposed to do this work in ministry because I am single and not commended in their eyes. That night in Switch Yard for me was defeating because it was now my own friend who was criticizing my burden and theology. He told me I would cause others to stumble. I left very frustrated and angry at why I wasn’t being affirmed. Thats when I met Jer on the bridge in town.

He was drunk and stoned out of his mind and visibly depressed. I approached and he saw me and said “ Joe! The good Lord, our Father sent you here tonight” (I thought he was being sarcastic). He wasn’t. He had been on the bridge for about a half an hour and contemplating suicide. The girl he loved was at this moment having sex with another guy and Jer didn’t know what to do with himself. His conversation was all over the place and he seemed most infatuated with the lights that seemed to dance around and make his head spin. I was feeling very sorry for him and wished I could have wise soothing words to help him from his anxiety.

He stopped his pity party and asked how the drop-in was going. I lied and told him things were good. Jer turned and directly faced me and said in the most sober voice I had heard all night “ Joe, God wants you to know that what you are doing is good, but He wants you to get outside of those walls and help others in the community. Help the people who were at the party I just came from. The homes that these families live, the bars, the streets.”
Jer went back to talking about the lights and how they were so freaky and changing colors.
I just stood there with my mind doing flips. I couldn’t believe what he had just said.
Jer/God wasn’t done, “Joe you know I see you biking through town and people look up to you, but you always seem to have a ‘too good for you’ barrier around you that keeps everything comfortable for you. That is not what God wants”.
His attention went back to the lights.

I was floored. In my head as I walked home I kept asking “God was that you?”

I soon started the bar ministry. I also went in to homes and took church leaders and volunteers on street walks. In the bars I learned so much about what the church needed to be. Such community, such welcoming arms from such hurting people. I learned that this was the place I held Christ’s hand the tightest and learned much about the town and parents of the youth. In the bars I met the very helpful and giving people. Some of them became the ones who cook for the Switch Yard fund raiser every year and helps raise thousands of dollars for the ministry. They also became an instrument in helping our Switch Yard /Christmas dinner become a community Christmas dinner in which thousands are fed. In the bars God led me to teacher who began a serious relationship with Jesus. In the bars I was able to build many relationships that still continue to today when I go back to Bancroft.

I am someday going to write a book that is titled “Every thing the church needs to learn about reaching a community comes from the bar” .
This all happen because God took one drunk, stoned, suicidal, Jer and gave me the confirming word to GO! (Matt 28:19-20)
Thank you God.

-Life Stories, 1999, -joe

The Power of the 'Older'

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 07:25:00 -0400

Starting a ministry in a small town can be difficult. Most people can be quite aware of what is ‘new’ in town. Some times the facts that are told second hand can be skewed depending on who is telling the story. Switch Yard was not above the ‘rumors’. I think I built most of my resilience and defenses to answer the questions of the community, but I had not fully prepared to have my ‘attacks’ from the church. Fundraising was not really something I was good at either. Nor was I the best representative for the Switch Yard as an educated, mature ambassador.

People seemed to have a lot of time on their hands to come and complain to me. For the first year it was common to have a discussion with a ‘Christian’ who would come along or call and tell me how I was using Satan’s tools to do God’s work. There would be books and articles (most of which I hardly read), given to me to show me the correction in my sinful ways of playing cards, pool tables and ‘demon’ music (which was all Christian music) and a follow up conversation would follow to make sure I would repent and do the ministry ‘right’.
I remember sitting in meetings with leadership of a church and being told “You are not the person to do the ministry with youth.” My past would come up of course (which was a valid point), and then other things like I wasn’t married, not educated, and I really had not shown myself to be reliable in God’s service (I had worked in Sunday school for one year and youth group two years). Looking back I see good wisdom being used, but I think it soured me because there was no real investment in me apart from criticism. I walked away quite discouraged from a meeting when I was told “We will not invest in your ministry until we see it running for a year than we will give.”--where’s the faith?
As the only paid staff of Switch Yard I can tell you we needed any money and people who would have faith enough to see the need. Many did invest, and I greatly appreciate it more and more now looking back. You can well imagine the reaction of all these ‘Christians’ when I started the bar ministry.

I have more written from the “Lessons from the Bar” in other stories, but for now I will explain what happened to my reputation to go to the bars. I found that in an dark dungeon like place of ill repute a brilliant light of hospitality, care, giving and spiritual searching. What was perceived by the church community was much different. I was sat down at meetings and had individuals call me to tell me about how God does not work in places like that and I was causing many to stumble. On top of that they heard that I actually was having a beer every once in awhile with the people there. This truth became rumors and I was supposedly stumbling home drunk and many other things (too many rumors to keep up with). In the end a church that wasn’t giving much to our ministry stopped totally to make a ‘solid’ point of their disgust.

It was around this time Ralph turner came in the door of Switch Yard during none drop-in hours. I was cleaning while an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was going on. My first impression of Ralph was that his body posture was proud, stern, and ‘old school’ all the way. He had white hair neatly combed back that spoke of years of hard work, prestige and cutting wisdom. His chiseled face and sunken cheeks complimented the dark rimmed glasses on his face. He looked as though he had just retired from being a judge. He was forming his verdict of Switch Yard right as soon as he walked in. As I walked towards him I thought, “This guy for sure is going to tear a strip out of me.” I smiled and said, “welcome”, and asked if he had ever been to Switch Yard before, and where he was from. There was no smile on his face to return the courtesy. He just looked at me and asked, “What is this place all about?” The tone in his voice made my heart sink as I knew I was going to be awhile.

He asked about what started Switch Yard and the type of kids who came in. “Is it for Christian kids?”
“No” I replied.
“Do they do drugs and drink?”
“Not in here.” I said “but they have problems with that sometimes.”
“What do you let them do?”
At this point I gave a short tour of Switch Yard explaining our philosophy of ministry and the games for youth so that we can show them Christ through our actions because words don’t necessarily get received so well.

He was quite as he kept looking at the place, never looking at me. Finally he said “God bless You!” He exclaimed, “I like the work you are doing here. I lead a group of seniors called the ‘PM’ fellowship. We have heard of what you are doing and I want you to come and speak and tell of this great work you are doing.”

I was stunned as I accepted the invitation and realizing that I had always assumed the older you get the more rigid and critical you became. Ralph and the PM fellowship forever ruined that prejudice.

I also realized the genuine heart this group of faithful Christ followers. They really wanted to see Christians making a difference in the small town of Bancroft. They were so open and excited for what I was doing and wanted to form prayer groups for certain youth who I gave the first names for. I spoke on a regular basis and brought up dates on how certain youth were doing. They always took a collection at the end of any money they had on them and Ralph would make a point to come visit me at Switch Yard to announce how they brought in money to support us. (Ralph could have actually given the money to me right after their group met but I think it was excuse to visit me again in the week).

At certain times Ralph would come and want to sit and chat about life and he would reveal to me in those times his tender heart. He would break down and cry describing the necessity for our ministry. I could share with him my struggles and he adopted me as a grandson in those days. I would also help him around his home with cutting the lawn and trimming hedges.
Ralph introduced me to Paul Field who became the director of Switch Yard after I left (another story). I look so fondly back at those times as I saw a ‘senior’ and his group embrace such a ‘risky’ ministry. They became some of my strongest advocates to the rest of the church. I can truly say I was blessed by their gifts, prayers and the chances they gave me to share.

One PM Fellowship meeting, I came with the great news that Jay Leftstien had become a Christian (another story). A dear elderly woman came up to me with tears streaming down her face and a crumpled paper in her hand. She grasped my one hand and asked “Is that Jay the Jay I am praying for?”

She fumbled around with the paper I had written to show me if that was the same Jay. As I looked at the list, I remember writing out her sheet and sure enough it was the same Jay.

“Yes” I replied.
She could hardly get a word out of her mouth. She had been praying for him for half a year everyday wondering if her prayers had any effect. She walked away sobbing out loud but praising God in her heart. I later got to tell Jay about her and that there was no chance in hell he would avoid becoming a Christian because I met his prayer warrior.

This to say about the importance of immobilizing ALL of the body of Christ. Too many times I see us -the church embracing the worlds value system and how seniors are treated are no different. We reserve their pew like warriors of old, non-effective in today's age, tolerating their concerns and not utilizing the wisdom and mentoring power they carry. From my experience, they want to share, pass on and invest into the future generations so they can leave a legacy. This is no different then us.

There is no judgment or prejudice from them and the ones who are have had many years of practice to get to that stage (look around they’re all ages!).

I remember hearing the news that Ralph had passed away. I couldn’t help feel a great loss. Here was a man who broke through his fears about approaching a ‘young guy’ to a ministry that was considered a risk and compromise to God’s work and empowered others to become involved and informed. As I write this (04), I still know of a few remnants from the group today who are still alive and I would like them to know their contribution was more to me than most who supported me in that day.

After thought
This is written out of a good place. It has taken me quite a bit of time to heal from these kind of encounters with the church. I remember that it is the church that God wants to build with and has since Christ. I dedicate a lot of my energies to see the success of the church in this day and age. It was also the ‘C’hurch who has been one of my greatest advocates in the ten years of ministry.

-Life Stories 2004, -joe

A Vulnerable Pause on the Journey

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 13:35:00 -0400

In the last month or so, I have been hitting on the principles of leadership and healthy environments of community. In this process, I have caught myself being hollowed out in my emotional and spiritual life. It is not to say that the principles are bad or useless, but it is to say I have experienced a slow death of some sort. I haven’t been sure what to do about it. It has left me with feelings of being quite vulnerable. See if you can relate.

I have found myself passionately engaged with community and assignments and seeing God work in great ways, but when I am by myself, having ‘downtime’ I am:

-looking to shut off my head completely -looking to live in other people’s stories through TV and movies.

-looking too much at things on TV that are not healthy for me (there is just so much content to view nowadays like nudity –or pretty much nudity. I flick through stations and catch a glimpse—stay too long --- move on but find myself tempted to go back for another look.)

-looking to numb myself because there is a overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame and disappointment when I don’t.

-looking to keep myself so busy. In that busyness, I intensify all the above feelings and struggles because I postpone the reality and connectedness with myself.

-looking to keep the struggles private (you need to know I have a hard time even letting my wife into my thoughts)

-looking to take tasks and roles for others as to receive the praises of others. In a word –significance.

Here’s the irony, the latest talks with people have been about self care, journaling (which I do), and contemplation. My practice of these things are present (not enough) but I still lack. The last few days have been enlightening in many ways to a journey that I will need to be involved with much more. Let me jump around into another aspect.

I find myself being isolated. Who do I go to and say real things to without worrying about what people will think about me? Will they lose respect for their pastor to hear my struggles with lust, pride, shame, confusion and not dealt with pains? I have fully loved that my new job is using my gifts in a more full way this last year. There has been a cost (I believe a self inflicted one), my humanness. I am realizing that the more I have been in this role I have pursued the role of being together, spiritual, and wise. It has pushed away my growth in authenticity towards others (need to grow a lot in), with myself and with my wife and daughter. This seems to be more magnified in my role as a pastor. Jumping back…

So where do I land on this? To be honest, I’m not sure (love to hear others journeys on this) but I do find the practice of confession and forgiveness (others and myself) are some steps into the right direction. I have been reading probably one of my favorite books lately “In the Name of Jesus” that has brought me back on the need to be aware of this concept.This brings me back to the important topic of community. I have noticed these practices can only be practiced with community---confessing to one another (Jams 5:16), and forgiveness (Eph 4:32). So how do I practice this in my job?

I do have a couple of close friends and spiritual companions to share deeper with, but there seems to me, my biggest disconnect is that I don’t practice this with every one. They are not always available either (not to guilt anyone). I need to be continually and authentically relating to all with out a façade. Now I may receive a lot of weird looks and people may judge the Meeting House based on me and my insecurities and short comings, but I do need to commune with people.

Here’s another aspect that can come of this practice—people will see God, not Joe (and his show) but God. I have talked on pride before which I define pride as: self focus, whether it is you think you are the greatest disproportionately or you think you are not that great disproportionately. Both are too much self focus. I tend to think about myself too much on the negative side. Pride is a base problem for me. Confession allows my self to be expressed and moved out of the way so that the God factor can be seen. His character is more clearly shown when I remove the Joe who wishes to look significant in every situation. This reminds me of Gideon.

The poorest strategy for war was practiced by Gideon –300 takes on 100 000 by blowing horns and waving torches. They won the fight but the story was more about God’s amazing intervention and the Israelites having faith in Him than Gideon’s leadership skills. It was obvious of who was the force behind the win, the God factor.

It takes humility to consistently reveal the short comings of my humanness but it is necessary for God to be shown and celebrated, and for me to really connect with people. If I’m not humble than I will be humiliated in the end (having humiliation feelings as I write this—in a good growing way). This is my journey in seeking, seeing and celebrating God in this day. Any comments? -joe Mar /07

Crush

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Mon, 1 Jan 2007 21:15:00 -0500

Tina She first came to the drop-in within the first month of us opening. Very quiet at first, but once you got to know her she would talk and talk. It seems she had no one to listen to her all her life. At the age of 15 she had seen more than most at age 40.

Her father was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. Her mother was physically and verbally abusive. Her father would also beat her mom. She remembers her one brother being beaten to a point of where he didn’t come out of the basement for days. She learned to leave the house or find a quiet corner to avoid her fighting parents. Her one brother after being beaten, walked out in to the cold and froze himself to death. When Tina was in young, her dad killed a man in a drunk driving incident. She was ostracized at school and everywhere she went. Even her cousins who lived close to her didn’t talk to her.

Her two brothers went out for a car ride one day and got into an accident. The youngest died and the older brother felt so guilty, he committed suicide in the house the next month. This was her life and all she knew. She reflected this pain in her choice for boyfriends. They were also abusive. She was rarely without a boyfriend.

She probably attended the Switch Yard the most out of anyone and truly felt it was her home. Tina helped out in the work crew and came to any event that would help Switch Yard. She even cleaned the drop-in with a gang of youth to keep it tidy. She had a bit of a crush on me which complicated a lot of my time in the drop-in. We didn’t have many volunteers and so I was left to open the drop-in by myself. Tina would come as soon as I opened the drop-in, way before anyone else would come. (I spent a lot of time out the deck---for accountability reasons). She would spend hours telling me a lot of things and drivel information to pass the hours over a game of scrabble. She could draw very well and filled much of our art wall with her pictures. She had a very low self-esteem. She could never see herself of any worth because her dad always called her useless. As of late, her style of dress prompted her dad to call her a ‘little whore’ or a ‘slut’. She was always worried about her weight and would starve herself sick. At many times she would have nervous break downs and would be crying on the couches many different days. She would call me when she wasn’t at the drop-in at times bawling over something her parents called her.

She came to me to become a Christian. She has seen me spending a lot of my time with other youth who had become Christians. I asked why she wanted to become in a relationship with Christ. In the end she was doing it for me. I realized I had become her father figure. She didn’t become a Christian at that point.

She started dating a guy named St eve who was an alcoholic. She got drunk for the first time with him and showed up at Switch Yard. She was laughing and giddy. She could see I wasn’t impressed. They went back to the house where they got drunk and she sent a friend to see what I thought of them coming in drunk. I relayed on to her that I was disappointed. The whole group came back crying and full of sorrow for what they had done. She needed to talk to me as a daughter to a father. We had to go for a walk to get off all of the guilt that was on her. I forgave her and she promised not to do it again.

She ended up attending a lot of the bible studies and came once to church with me. She never ever came to me to inquire of how she wanted a relationship with Christ again. I would ask but she didn’t feel ready for it at the time.

Her parents avoided the drop-in and became very suspicious about what the Switch Yard was about. They would lecture her for hanging out there so much. I once made the attempt to come their vehicle to talk to them. They seem reserved and distant. It wasn’t until the mother came to a fund-raiser event at the Switch Yard that I would make some connection. I met the mom and she was put at ease over what the drop-in was about. I finally went to the house and met her father. He helped me with repairing my old car and soon became trusting of what the ministry of Switch Yard was.

Tina has since struggled with meaning and value for her life. She needs a mother figure to come along side her and encourage the God given value inside.

tba

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 10:10:00 -0500

Cultivation is a key to any growth for plants. The same goes for people. In this generation we not only want to be cultivated to our fullest potential, but to see others touch unlimited possibilities. Three areas of cultivation are:

1st Plowing- this is the digging up, assessing and preparation time for the soil of our lives.

Planting- this is watering, fertilizing, and planting of vision and direction to our lives.

Producing- this is the ability to have lasting life giving fruit that will be duplicated in others

Cultivating Compassion in My Heart

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Tue, 1 Aug 2006 09:10:00 -0400

Maybe it was when Steve Fallis punched me in the face in grade 5. Maybe it was that I was one of the biggest losers in public school for that year and the next 2 years into elementary school. Some where in there I got my first weight set to make sure that kind of crap would not happen anymore. My family life was rough due to circumstantial life events, that we (as a family) all together couldn’t gain a clear focus as to how life should be. So in the midst of feeling like I was insignificant at school, I received a beating every once in awhile from the ‘cool’ crowd just to make sure I didn’t forget it.

I remember getting my first weight set thinking this will all end because I will be physically tough and unbreakable. Something deeper inside me was forming as well. Angry, protective sinews were forming around my heart to make sure that no one could punch me there as well. In the next few years I was pretty successful because when I entered high school I could bench press almost the same as the strongest guy in the whole school and no one could beat me in arm wrestling. Success! (or so I thought). No one ever picked on me or nor did I ever have to fight another day in my life (so far).

That kind of success also brought a new outlook on life for me. I became self protective and arrogant. That brought on a bully syndrome that I felt helped me keep certain social status (sorry to all I did this to). I found myself taking great pleasure in whipping peoples pants down in the hallway, punching people in the arm or giving ‘purple nurples’ just for the heck of it. I found myself saying cruel things to people in crowds (it was always in crowds) just to see if I could make them cry (which I counted as more successful and something to laugh about). I called people who were over weight, fat. I would constantly find ways to make people who were nerdy, ‘losers’, racially different and outcasts feel stupid. I was maybe feeling like I could toughen them up or I could speak to little Joey in grade 5 who was very much like they were. I was afraid. But I wasn’t going to cry anymore, feel that hurt anymore and never be broken by anyone.

In my pursuit of a hard body and hard heart I realize I delayed another important component of my development- compassion. I look back and see all the things I cared about like sports, anger, girls, looking cool and strong. I remember other people in the school who cared compassionately about real life issues like; our planet, the hungry, poverty, spiritual searching, and feeling with those who hurt. It was a new language to me that I just fluffed off as ‘tree huggers’, weak, and issues that weren’t important. My selfish pursuit to be ‘respected’ was making a divide and chasm in my own heart that over a long period of time would be spiritually fatal. A significant event with Christ changed that pursuit but I was still left with 10 years of residue that were patterns of life and worse a reputation.

It is in this last couple of years that I have been able to see the movement God has me on to becoming more whole and mature as a Christ follower. Half of the battle was changing my pattern of life. I change my pattern to work with youth at-risk (which included outcast, hurting, ‘losers’ like me) for 11 years. The other half was going back to talk to young ‘Joey’ in grade 5 and telling him it is ok to be hurt and caring and soft in his heart. I had to go though periods of evoking old memories which had very physical manifestations 15 years after the event. As this has been comforted and addressed I have felt a new freedom to grow as a compassionate person now. Jesus has brought His healing through great ministry situations, mentors and my family.

So as of late (summer 2006), I feel a new door has been opened. It could be I have been recuperating from the 11 years of working with difficult youth at-risk issues or it could be I have just become a father (which many attribute to a more open heart). Regardless of the circumstances in my life, I see,, no, I feel very out of control in the compassion I have for others (I believe in a healthy way). I feel like crying a lot lately.

For instance I have been meeting with a Sikh man who is very spiritual and new to Canada (4 months). I feel very soft and open to Him as we talk, and as I meet with him in his house and meet with his family. If this same man came to me when I was a teenager, I would have laughed at him for his lack of English, said he was stealing good Canadian jobs, made comments about his skin colour and found many ways to verbally devalue his being. Someone from the Indian community may have been where I was most racist as a teen. That is not me today. I feel broken, in fact I feel I need this relationship to grow my little ‘Joey’ up.

A verse that I see as being most relevant to me is in Philippians where Paul say “I want you not just to love much, but well” Phil 1

I always had taken this to mean just love well which was a very cognitive thing. You can have all the gushie feelings you want but they aren’t useful and the best way is to have a plan and agenda to love someone. A word I now see is ‘just’ in the verse. It infers that much loving is already happening and is good. That is the deep motivation to love well. ‘Much’ is happening to me. Little Joey is quite happy these days! Thanks God.

-joe

Abuse, Anger and Agape

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Sun, 4 Dec 2005 20:40:00 -0500

I first met Terry at a camp when he was very young. He was always slow in school and picked on by other kids. His father was killed by a car when he was nine. His mom had a few boyfriends after the death of his father who didn’t like Terry and his two brothers. One of the boyfriends used to beat them for the little things they would do wrong. Terry remembers holding a block of wood out in front of him at arms length while kneeling on beans on the pavement. If they let the block drop, they would get a slap. If they complained or cried, they would get beat. Terry remembers doing this for hours at a time. He also remembers many welts on his legs from an extension cord used as a whip. Most days wouldn’t go by without some sort of physical ‘discipline’ as it was called. Terry can only recall few times that his “new dad” wasn’t drunk. He was nice to them even less.

The boyfriend beat Terry’s mom regularly. They would try to stop him, but that usually resulted in ‘discipline’ for them. His mom tried once to stop the boyfriend from beating the kids and suffered one of the worst beatings ever. It put her in the hospital for days and the photographs told the story of a long drawn out beating. She had internal concussions to her brain and organs. Terry remembers trying to stop it but the last thing he remembers was a steel toe boot coming for his face.

The second time I saw Terry, he had just been released from a juvenile detention center. He came to the Switch Yard, adrop-in in Bancroft Ontario . He was there every time it was open. He was tough now and every second word was f--- this or f--- that. He liked to play ping-pong. Over a game he told me that he was soon going back to ‘juevey’ for grand theft auto. This was Terry at 17. When he got out, he was 19 and meaner than ever. The tattoo’s were thick and the language even thicker. He had uncontrollable rage fits that brought a reputation for his fighting ability. The jail had been a time of training. He would workout 3 hours a day and hate the rest away. Once he picked up an old Gideon Bible.

Most just stayed clear of him as he used to walk through the streets with his shirt off. He came back to the drop-in. I had to remind him many times that the drop-in was for everyone and that he couldn’t intimidate the other youth. We built a great friendship over the ping-pong table and the foosball table. The Switch Yard hosted an alternative education program, and Terry decided to pick up a couple of courses.

I used to supervise the upstairs while the teacher would teach downstairs in the building. At some of the breaks Terry would talk to me. I would usually be working on a bible study, message or for my course I was taking. He would relate to me that he actually picked up a bible from time to time in the jail. He didn’t understand most of it, but really like the stories when he did understand it. We started talking about some deep spiritual issues. The teacher downstairs was a Christian as well and he would encourage Terry to think about spiritual things and lead him to me. I would be able to speak freely of Christ. Terry let me know that at the Christian camp, he had said a prayer to ‘accept Jesus into his heart’. Recalling though, it didn’t mean much to him. He was thirsty for more.

Terry’s questions soon lead him to come to church with me and even bible studies at the drop-in. We attended a few different churches to see what was comfortable to him. He would walk in to church feeling very out of place. He would spend a lot of time in the morning trying to get the right clothes to look good. He wore his hat into church not knowing any better. I didn’t want to correct him on that until he really understood a relationship with Jesus first. The people in church didn’t know what to think about him. Some even scowled and made motions for him to take his hat off. I finally told him that maybe he wanted to remove it so that they will stop bothering him. He didn’t want to because he now had ‘hat-head’. We didn’t go back to that church.

He had many questions of how the church functioned and even more about God. Before the first bible study, Terry gave his life to Christ. It was in tears and sobs that he had not seen since he was that young boy who was being beaten. The tears flowed freely in the drop-in that night, in front of the 20 some kids that were there that night. It was a quiet prayer to himself that changed his life. I didn’t have to hear a word, the anguish and relief on his face told me the story.

Terry helped out with a group we called the ‘work crew’. This group was designed in a way to help the youth to give to the community. We helped the aged and ones who couldn’t help themselves. At many different times I watched our group leave a place where the people were smiling. Our exhausted group also smiled with satisfaction and pride for a job well done. There was one women who wrote the local paper in praise for what we did because her chimney was plugged and there was no other way to heat her home. She has almost froze that week in February. She was able to light a fire and keep her home warm for the rest of winter. She then wrote an article in the newspaper about how the Switch Yard work crew saved her life.

Terry came to the first bible study with another guy named Matt. We worked through the bible study called ‘Experiencing God’. I will never forget the first time I heard Terry pray out loud. I usually gave the chance for everyone to pray and Terry took it this time. If you were in the room with Terry praying, and you were not aware of God’s throne room, you soon were. I cannot put words to someone praying out loud for the first time. Terry would forget we were all in the room with him and talk to God in ways that I had not even felt before. Many times his prayer would include “…..I love you, I love you, I love you..” to a father that he finally had.

Terry opened up much of his insecurities and short comings in his life. He mostly struggled with a physical handicap involving the use of his arm. It was nothing severe, but it became something that he knew others could tease with or it would hinder him getting a girlfriend. This was something we talked about regularly. Terry was looking for his identity and worth. He was finding it Christ.

One time in drop-in, on a Friday night, Terry was playing Tetris quietly. I look in on him from time to time. He seemed he wanted to be alone. After an hour I looked over and he seemed to be slumped over. He was crying. Other youth looked over and raised an eyebrow at the ‘tough guy’ crying. What could possibly be upsetting him so much? I sat beside him and asked what was up. He just waved his hand and I told him I would come back later. I felt nervous because maybe he was going to share some deep hurt that I would feel inadequate to deal with. Once I saw he was quiet, I sat down again and asked to share. He couldn’t look at me. He told me that he was talking to God and he was telling Him “I love you”. He started to cry. After about 5 minutes, he said “..and God told me he loved me too..”. He sobbed as he said it and resumed crying for another 20 minutes. Such a clear voice and representation of God’s love pouring out on Switch Yard and Terry that night. We all benefited from Terry’s presence.

I would take movie trips to the nearest theater. It would usually take an hour and a half to get there and Terry wanted to read “The Message” out loud. Matt would come on these trips as well and I spent most of time explaining (as best I could), the answers to their many questions. God gave Terry an amazing ability to learn. He could remember things and make logical, biblical arguments to his theological position. If there had been a course on the bible, he would have had straight A’s.

One of the hardest things was to watch him come from his house where he was continually bugged for his new belief. He would slip up and swear at frustrated points and they would never let him live that down. Their mocking became too much and he would tell them to stop and they would laugh and mock “ St op, stop” in a whiny voice. Terry would resort to his old ways by hitting things and swearing, as he walked defeated to his room. This was hard because it was a tough guy who had become so tender and so child like in his walk, now was being abused spiritually as he once was physically. I had him over to my place a few nights, just so he could have a break from the ongoing torment. This soon became a low time. He ended up at Joy Bible Camp as a maintenance worker, to stay away from his family. This became a haven in a sense, but you could see the tension in his face when he knew the summer was ending.

His family had been changed by Terry’s new decision. His brother Scott wanted to investigate what had gripped Terry. Scott even saw the moral values. Scott has since attended church once with my younger brother because of his own personal search. Scott has occasionally attended a bible study for men. His mom spent time coming to the drop-in and even asked questions about God. There was an impact to his whole family and God had used Terry to be His face to them. Terry needs a spiritual father, one who can come along side of him and patiently walk him through the years of hate, violence and rage. This is still lacking in his life. I’ve understood that he needs discipleship. He has recently been attending church frequently and is growing with a bible study group.

Seeing Christ Move in Jail

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Sun, 4 Dec 2005 07:15:00 -0500

Sean came from a dysfunctional family. I never saw a father or heard him ever speak of one. I first met him at a Bible camp, but never got to know him until he came to Switch Yard. At that point his family had moved to the “bronx” of Bancroft (a bad name for a part of town). Sean watched the movie ‘Natural Born Killers’ (NBK)many times. He loved the movie and even dressed like the characters to somehow gain the respect from everyone around him. He wanted to intimidate those around him. It was always hard in the past for him because he was overweight and sort of the loser in high school. Actually it was most of his life. When he decided to change, he lost 60 pds, he was always high and he enjoyed watching ‘The many faces of death’ (a movie that shows real live deaths of humans-banned in Canada). He committed crimes to get the adrenaline high. He went out and bought prescription glasses that were tinted red and shaved his head in order to appear like Woody Harelson. (NBK)

His life was headed for trouble fast.

I had talked about God to him before but he would always evade the conversation. He believed in God but didn’t want to talk about it. I can only remember a few times where Sean showed up at the Switch Yard sober. At those times he was very insecure and depressed.

Sean and his brother Pete decided to take their crimes to a new level. They wanted to rob a video store at gun point (like ‘Natural Born Killers’). On their way to the store, the police caught them from a tip. Sean and Pete had knives and a sawed off shotgun. This is what put Sean in juvenile detention for a year.

I wasn’t with him through the court process to see how he was doing. I thought that I would probably not see him again and he would become a statistic. He would get out a hardened, even more violent criminal and become a bigger threat to society. I received a call from his mother who was very concerned for him. She told me how in jail Sean was getting serious time to think about things. She also told me that Sean was allowed to get a spiritual counselor. He wanted me.!!

The first time I talked to him on the phone from the detention centre, he sounded grateful and ready to meet with me. (It is funny how rock bottom can change an attitude.) I found out that I had more privileges than his own mom or any relatives as far as visitation. The jail system acknowledged that I was the only one in his life who qualified as a pastor (I was only 22 and had no training). We arranged our first meeting that week.

The first trip was interesting for me as I walk down a hall and was let into a room that was all white except for the chairs and couch we could sit on. They locked me in this room and I waited for Sean. He came in, his hair was now grown a bit and he had put on some weight. He smiled and I shook his hand. The talks began. God was doing something amazing in Sean’s heart. Looking back I realize how much God had prepared him for this. I was just the active observer. Over some pizza that I snuck in, we began talking and reconnecting.
We talked very little about his previous choices and we focused on the things he needed to choose for. As he asked many questions about God and what it is like to understand something bigger than he saw. I talked about the poor and how God has a special heart for those who are poor at heart. He recognized that need in his life. I left my copy of the ‘Message’ with him to read.

We continued conversations over the phone and in that little room for the next few months. He told me one time as we met that he made a decision to follow Christ. He was taking classes and getting good grades on his behavior. They finally let him go early and he came back to the Switch Yard.

The first thing he wanted to do was be apart of our bible studies, and find a church. He got apart of our work crew that helped the community. He also cleaned the Switch Yard to help me out. I was able to hook him up with the youth pastor of the Bancroft Pentecostal Tabernacle. Sean was able to find a close spiritual community with them. He even helped run programs and worked the sound system at the back for the services. Eventually Sean came less and less to the drop-in and I heard more and more good things about him. He got baptized that year at Joy Bible Camp.

-Life Stories, 1999 -joe

The Approach of Safety

noreply@blogspirit.com (Alive and Awake) — Sat, 3 Dec 2005 18:15:00 -0500

The first year Switch Yard opened(1994), Andrew came to the drop-in. He was always stoned. He never made eye contact. He would walk in and bee-line it for the downstairs were he would play hours and hours of pool. Andrew didn’t have any parents, he stayed with other friends who would take him in. He wasn’t a big guy, but he fought a few times and always had run ins with the police. He always hung out with the ‘scrappers’ in town.

I made it a point to say hi to him each time he came in. He never said anything; in fact he never even looked at me. I wondered how long it would take before I would have any conversation. Finally the day came after six months. I won’t forget that he walked in and said “hi” as he sheepishly looked at me –Success!

There were no other conversations until half a year later when he asked me to a game of pool. I couldn’t believe it finally happened! We talked only a little bit, but I was flying high and realizing God can do anything if we are patient.

The key realization for me was that he Andrew had to feel I was safe. The big question while encountering anyone is ask, “What is safe for that particular person?” Too many times I had approached people with my agenda that wasn’t safe for them. I brought the message of Jesus which was very unsafe for these youth. God was guiding me differently with Andrew. We were able to have other conversations throughout the next year that lead to a deeper relationship. I realize the relational approach is much ‘slower’ seemingly but it very reflective of how the Holy Spirit comes in and gently persuades, prepares and ‘woo’s’ us

In 1997, Andrew had watched Sean (Read “Seeing Christ Move in Jail”) come out of jail and saw the difference in his life. He knew it had something to do with God. Andrew came to me and asked me “Ok. What is this God thing all about?” As we talked, I could see disbelief but yet intrigue. Andrew would harass Sean almost everyday at the drop-in by calling him ‘God-boy’. Sean didn’t bat an eyelash and kept saying “Yup. that’s me”. I could see that it was God working on Andrew and he was fighting it by taking it out on Sean. Andrew finally decided to come to a bible study.

There were about 8-10 people attending the study at this time. Andrew felt very out of place but his questions compelled him to attend. He wouldn’t ask many questions at the time, but he would ask afterwards. It let me know that God was continuously working in him. I remember one bible study (Experiencing God) when we talking about God providing for our needs. I told them about an upcoming trip that I could have for my vacation. I could go to Bahamas, Vancouver, or Israel. I wanted to go to Israel. The trip to Israel was going to cost $1600 and there was only a window of time to get ready for it. I explained it would be an amazing time but I would have to ask God for the supplies to go. I told them that if God wanted me to go, he would get the money no problem. That’s when Andrew spoke up and said “AS IF!”. I told them I would have to solidify my plans by next week. Andrew left the study mocking the whole thing. “God couldn’t do it”!

Four days later, God gave me $1600.!. I was able to share with everyone the next week how God can provide. Andrew’s mouth hung open and I never heard many other criticisms from him. He just consistently came to the bible study and started going to the Bridge.

The quiet Andrew I once knew had disappeared, and a new talkative one had replaced him. He never came to Switch Yard to play anymore. He came for the conversations and community of Switch Yard. He participated in our work crew that helped the aged and people who were in need. We did it for free. He wanted to do whatever would help the growth of the community. He also would protect the Switch Yard from youth who caused trouble. (He would secretly get a bunch of his friends and beat up the trouble makers and tell them that if they ever messed with Switch Yard they would have to deal with him---it worked….not really my preference but the thought was nice).

Andrew never came to a point where he said that he wanted a relationship with God. I still keep in touch with him over the phone, (since I left Bancroft). If I am ever back I would take him to the Bridge Community Church. The last time (2001) I took him to an Easter service. He taught me a lesson. I was a bit cheesed off with the service because it seemed to be playing with the emotions of everyone rather than letting God convicting. The preacher gave everyone a spike and told us to press that into our hand. “Think of how Christ felt!” I thought, “Please let this stop”. This is my baggage from my younger days, which you would use an emotional moment to get a conversion. There was maybe nothing really wrong with the service but it was rubbing my the wrong way.

I looked over a Andrew, he was taking the spike and pressing it into his hand and I could see on his face the realization of the sacrifice Jesus had made. It taught me not to belittle the seemingly ‘worst’ ways of communicating Christ’s message. Andrew taught me to see all the ways Christ reveals himself. Andrew has moved away and has a job which has been a great example to all the other youth he used to hang out with. He is responsible, grown up and very easy to talk to. I look for how God will continue to ‘woo’.

-Life Stories 1999, Joe